I consider myself a pretty open person. I think I've worn my heart my on sleeve since I was a little girl...people could always tell when I was concentrating hard, when I was sad and when I was worried. I have worry lines that form on my forehead whenever I'm trying to figure something out. That being said...sometimes when I experience a strong emotion in the form of fear, sadness or anger...my initial reaction is to hide...either by actually distancing myself from other humans or by wearing a mask of a smile...everything's ok, I swear! Just today, I got to experience a wide range of emotional openings, closings, realizations and now I get to hold space for myself in my writing and in contemplation.
This has been so far, a month of celebration! It felt so amazing to be surrounded by so much love from friends and family to commemorate my 30th birthday. I felt held by so much goodness and I was kinder to myself than I have been in as long as I can remember. I was in Massachusetts; my heart home and felt so free there. Now, all the festivities have died down and I am back within myself and back in the roots of my lived experience and journey as a healer and business owner and sensitive, emotional human.
I realize that not every emotional experience is going to be a skyrocket of butterflies and excitement...that what goes up must inevitably come down...but today I'm definitely feeling drained from probably a combination of being super social for the last couple of weeks...travel, too much sun yesterday and being so so so open with my newest and beloved activity--ecstatic dance--where I allow my heart to run so wildly and freely and for the majority of the time I am not thinking at all...and I let myself just unwind and let go of the grip a bit...
But then how do I relocate my center again? I don't want to retract and go entirely into a shell because I feel vulnerable---so how do I stay connected even when emotions are stirred and I'm feeling the urge to go in?
My friend Lacey, who is a psychic medium told me today that my Grandmother was trying to send me the following message: 'meet me somewhere in the middle.' Ok Grandma, I get what you're saying...and I know that you are right...but my question is 'how?' To remain lovingly open while still caring for myself....to be vulnerable but not so much that I desire a complete withdraw in the aftermath?
I'm learning I know.. it's certainly not comfortable all the time and right now I can trace the beginnings of a new stage of realization...and now I know that the next step is to get on my mat and on my cushion and write and write my heart out. Many, many Buddhist teachers remind us that the confusion and emotional chaos are very great places to be because in those places there is growth...so I know it is good....it is for my well-being.
Until next week!