It seems appropriate to write about slowing down and dropping into stillness at this point in my journey. I know I have written about it before, but this time it is coming from a different place, a more experienced place, a place of knowing a little deeper and of understanding myself more as a human being.
Knowing that I have a tendency to dive into things head first without considering all the possible implications and even how it will feel in my schedule, I can over do it and deplete myself so much that I am neither available for myself and certainly don't have the space for others.
Visiting my dad in the hospital was a wake up call for me. I was shaken back into reality by the startling realization that my parents are getting older and things are changing. Perfect health is not a forever thing for any of us and poor health is possible too. I was really startled into a new level of self care...slapped in the face...wake up!
I started my meditation teacher training classes a few weeks ago and have begun a daily meditation practice where I sit for 20 minutes each morning before checking email, social media or text messages. This has been helping me in more ways that I ever considered. I have time and space around me to pause...to let thoughts come and go...to feel into my body and it's working for me! I'm feeling things that I have pushed away for months and even years. The discomfort of being human....feeling socially awkward, feeling emotional, insecure, feeling all these things. Letting myself feel the reality of this temporary life.
Meditation in the early morning makes it difficult to drink the night before and so I've crowded out alcohol for the time being...and I am more clear and focused than before. It also helps with running and yoga and just being a more available human.
I am learning to sit in the discomfort of the pause. That sometimes a strong emotion does not need to elicit a strong action. That sometimes I just need to feel the thing and act at a time when I am not so triggered or heated or confused or sad or angry or scared etc etc.
And so it is in the pause, the discomfort with the grey area, and the not knowing that I am residing for the time being. I have goals I need to work on for my business and personal life that need a lot of attention....and so I'll go there. In and in and in.