This morning, I sat among my meditation Sangha, as we do monthly for our teacher training with Kelly Lindsey. Perhaps of all the days, for me, today was the edgiest. We are being asked to step into something that feels actually pretty uncomfortable for me. The space of the SELF. Myself. Ourselves. Solo, separate, alone, disconnected. For 3 days. It's not long, I know. But, man...is it met by a resistance in me.
For as long as I can remember, I've been surrounded by people or have been preoccupied by the thought of other. What do they think of me? How am I being perceived? How to act in this group or that---and feeling all the feelings, as an empath...sometimes losing myself in the shuffle or the intensity of it all...only to reconnect later, when the necessity to be alone becomes crucial.
What I'm getting at here is that I'm being asked to lean into a resistance of mine and I'm going to do it! Of course I am. Of course I can. Of course I will. And I know with a DEEP knowing that this is going to be great for me. I'm certain that the patterns and habits that show up in my daily life will be shaken up so I can see beneath the dust of them. To peer into some TRUTHS and perhaps some things I have been avoiding feeling by keeping constantly busy and surrounded by others.
A quote that stood out with particular importance this morning is one by Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche saying, 'The experience of being on retreat involves a very faint, subtle sense that you are falling in love somewhere, with something. A subtle romanticism happens through nothing entertaining you and everything coming back to yo. It's a subtle love affair, but it's definitely a romantic one. Our first introduction to going into retreat is an introduction to ego's nakedness and the subtle appreciation of aloneness.'
Mmm...yes. I know what he means. I can sense it. I have tasted it. Some of my greatest ideas have come about when I have given myself the space to feel them. Not, on the other hand, when I'm living in a compression chamber of constant activity and interaction. There is not enough space there to allow an unfolding of inspiration to occur. My defense mechanism of being busy and not creating space in order not to feel serves only to numb and, though it's true that I am busy with such rich, amazing things and interacting with incredible humans, I need to remember to take space to reconnect with myself.
My thoughts about retreat are a beach setting, likely Galveston. A Monday-Wednesday during which I will contemplate self-forgiveness and self-compassion. I will make pancakes and connect with my inner child through writing, dance, and play or some sort. I'm thinking this month or next before leaving for South Africa. It's edgy for me to disconnect from the world. I think, will I be forgotten? Will I miss out? Will I feel loneliness? Will I feel too much or too intensely that I'll implode? Likely not. I've been told to turn fear into excitement in the past and will choose to do so here, now.
Thanks for reading. This is edgy. This life is. I want to lean in.