I'm coming to you a day early since I will be on the road much of tomorrow visiting family for Rosh Hashana (the Jewish New Year). I have so much to say. Something happened. I'm not sure exactly when or how but I felt a shift within me over the past couple of weeks, a rebirth of sorts, a new coming into myself that I have not yet felt before. I am more and more me.
I am not shy about the fact that I have dealt with anxiety for the majority of my life. It is what brought me to the practice of yoga and threw me headfirst into the healing arts world and so when all is said and done, I am deeply grateful for it even though it makes my head spin and heart beat fast and world feel cave like. It's the reminder to again and again come home to myself. To take care of myself in these sweet and nurturing ways and as a result, offer my truer, fuller, more expanded self to my clients.
When the shift began....was probably at the beginning of September. My dad was hospitalized and I went to visit him. I was shaken from the inside in a way I had not been before. He is fine, he is totally ok...but being in that context with him cored me. I was a child quickly crossing the line of adulthood all at once. It is up to me now...I thought. It is up to me now to take care of myself. I know this may sound kind of morbid....and in all reality my Dad is healthy and things are ok...but it was in this moment, I decided that I better start being kinder to myself...start mothering myself better...looking out for my best interests more.
On the way back from Houston to Austin after this incident, I came to terms with myself about some things. I was no longer going to allow life to just happen to me...I was going to take the bull by the horns a little more and become me...I may seem easy going, and I can admire my own flexibility, but I'm learning what doesn't work for me anymore and I'm ready to step out of some patterns. Hallelujah! So during this month, I have been sober by choice. I am more clear, productive and yes oh my lord yes, I am feeling MORE. I am feeling it all; the self consciousness, the confusion, the uncertainty, the sadness left over from years and years of pushing it away or down or ignoring its existence. BRING IT ON! BECAUSE you have to FEEL it to HEAL it. So that's been happening.
I took myself to ecstatic dance for the first time last Sunday and OH MY GOD. THIS is my new way of connecting to myself and spirit and sensuality and UNIVERSAL LOVE. I am in love with this new form of self expression. SO insanely grateful that this beautiful healing community exists. It is healing me. I am being healed. I am watching myself interact with this free form dance and the open hearted, beautiful souls who have been mirroring myself back to me. YES.
I am growing and learning so much. There have been dark times, where I have felt small and scared and unsure if branching out on my own was smart or wise or possible. BUT, lately....I have seen so much light and beauty and incredible things have been opening up all around me. I feel so much LOVE...and I'm excited to keep blossoming and unwinding and healing and becoming ME; to shine brighter...This work is a portal back to myself and I am exactly where I am supposed to be.