After talking to my sister last week, we decided that the name of this post should be 'I don't know what I'm doing a lot of the time...' I think the sentiment I'm trying to capture is that when you try something new and especially when it is more in line with who you are...there is a BIG BIG BIG opportunity for growth. With this growth comes pain and mourning the loss of old patterns of behavior and all that accompanies stepping into bigger shoes. So, 'growing pains' felt like a better, more accurate title....though I still don't know what I'm doing some of the time and guess what? That's ok!
I'm a visionary...a dreamer, an idea person....an energy lover and a healer...I am not so comfortable (yet) in the realm of keeping track of my books in an excel spreadsheet or collecting client emails to send follow up notes to or even taking progress notes on my clients to develop a plan of action. I'm very good at being present...being with my clients, empathy, compassion etc....yes I have those things down....the other stuff, well...it's providing me with a new level of things I have yet to grapple with. Luckily, there are people whose specialty it is to deal with these things...and so, alas this week I'll meet with a financial planner to help me better organize myself around money, numbers and the things that are seemingly more boring (but I'm trying to view as more fun/artful)
So yes, sometimes I want to pull my hair out because my computer is running too slowly and my phone doesn't have enough space for the apps I need in order to record myself doing things....but that's ok...I'm just learning to develop new muscles...ones that were underdeveloped for a while because I didn't need to use them. I didn't need to keep track of things in the same way or organize my schedule so mindfully...but I'm getting a chance to practice all of this now. It's all in the learning.
I've also been experiencing some growing pains in the area of self love, which ironically (or perhaps completely purposefully) is what I'm leading workshops about. They say you must teach what you are meant to learn and holy moly it's true. The 6 week workshop that I've been co-facilitating with Marissa Knox has urged me to take a look at how I approach myself in these 6 crucial areas of my life a bit more. I've been curious about myself in the realms in a more meaningful and mindful way because I have stepped into the role of teacher about this stuff. That doesn't mean I have to have it all together or have figured out how to do it...quite the opposite. Actually, this workshop has had a sort of unraveling effect on me. Where attention goes, energy flows....and so the examination has been underway and sometimes a bit too much and self-conscious at times. Being overly concerned....which is not in service of self-acceptance either.
How I've grown in this way is evident in the risks I've been willing to take lately. I have been sober this whole month by choice...which has been an exercise in mindfulness and social vulnerability. Not that there is anything inherently wrong with alcohol and I actually find it to be a pretty joyful way to unwind...but I needed to show myself something...I needed to see who I am without it...socially and otherwise. The results have been a more self-conscious Brooke...who sometimes fumbles for words or doesn't have enough energy to stay the whole night at parties or outings and the learning to say no piece that is trying to emerge...though sometimes still has trouble. I've been more productive this month for sure and though certainly not happy all the time and more accurately feeling more intensely..and definitely faced with a bunch of discomfort and self-doubt and real shit---I honestly wouldn't trade the cringe worthy moments for anything.
I've also been practicing authentic relating sort of by accident and then finding myself more and more drawn to the community in Austin. I tried ecstatic dance for the first time and it was an incredible experience. If you don't know what it is...it's essentially 2.5 hours of free movement with a dj...to drop any self-consciousness...to move the way your body wants you to...without speaking to anyone. It was one of the most positive experiences I've had. I was a bit nervous at first...dipping my toes in...but by the end I fully jumped in and it was amazing. It was exactly what I needed. To me, this is growth...huge...to cultivate self-love...to learn to serve myself better and more...on my nearly 30th year, I commit to trying more things for me...things that I enjoy and not because anyone told me to or not to....I'm coming into myself in a big way and it's the most uncomfortable, joyful, scary, lovely, vulnerable, and magical time of my life.
I love you all. Thanks for reading my journey!