Shadow Side

My shadow self presents itself to me sometimes and it feels so powerful that it startles me.  I am mostly positive, think the best in people, find it pretty easy to connect....and then I have this side of me that is a wild, untamable beast, especially in the face of darkness or perceived injustice or unconsciousness. 

I'll make mention about my feelings without giving too much away regarding the situation, to protect anonymity and also to not reveal too terribly much about my family.  There has been some darkness lately in my family, and in response to it, my heart feels so tender....I am at times, a wild, untamable beast...snarly and a little out of control...when triggered, I can become more like a fast train moving and before I know it, I've written paragraph upon paragraph of text message content followed by unanswered phone calls...and I'm grasping for some semblance of control, which is merely an illusion.

We all have these dark sides to us!  There is no way to exist as a purely contained, emotionally controlled human at all times...we'd be robots.  I'm at this leg of my journey now where I am trying to forgive all parts of me---learning that without darkness, there would be no way to acknowledge the light and vice versa.  My intentions are good....I aim to communicate truthfully, but when I'm triggered----whoa...especially when it is related to my family---hold on tight!

I forgive myself for being haughty and for saying mean things----and for feeling protective of my family to the extent that I bared my teeth.  My fear is sometimes anger and underneath all of that is a deep sadness for the way people can treat one another---we are all doing our very best.

I stood in the bathroom after this morning's wildness and I pressed my forehead against the wall and prayed to God, spirit, universe to please be with me---in this moment of such revealed vulnerability.  I said, I believe in you, I believe in me...and in that instant, it started to rain----and on my bedroom window, on the condensation created by my own breathing, I wrote "I love you, thank you."  I know that I am being taken care of and so is the health of my family...the little girl in me who cannot stand injustice is feeling fierce...but I know the best I can do it just to love.

Until next week,