It's Monday. I am committed to writing each week on this day to give all of myself to this blog and not just I'm happy, but also when I don't feel like it, because being human is not just an 'as I feel like it' experience. And right now, today...I do not feel much like writing or really doing anything for that matter. Because I'm sad and tired and sometimes I do not want my pain to be seen...and so I withdraw. People closest to me know this. I go inside a snail shell and it takes time to emerge...but, I have a willingness now, more than ever to stay open...to be open and it begins with this post.
This month has, so far, been intense in ways I could not have anticipated. Politically and personally. And, in some ways, of course...I am not surprised because naturally, what goes up, must come down and that is both a personal experience and also a collective, group experience---as we shift and change---and I have heard and I know that before an awakening, usually there is pain and so as always, I am hopeful but that feeling of hopefulness does not detract from all of the other things.
I'm an empath and feel things deeply and the current state of our nation is triggered, agitated or---perhaps, the community with whom I surround myself---is feeling this. And, also I acknowledge that the way things are, are a reflection of how they have been for such a long time and so I recognize the collective reality of judgement and marginalization (women, people of color, LGBT community, immigrants, persons with disabilities...etc etc) that exists and has existed for so so long. I've read article upon article about how to address these issues with compassion and productivity...to not just declare, 'I am a safe person' but actually be willing to put ourselves in the midst of uncomfortable conversations to expose our blindspots and biases. And to this, I say YES. Count me in.
And maybe now, in the midst of all of this, we are becoming more awake...and with awake-fulness, comes discomfort, pain and the sense of not really knowing what to do. I'll admit, I find myself grasping at straws sometimes to know what to do and so I boil it down to being my open-hearted, open minded self and express my willingness to learn more, do more, be more---take up more space, love more...educate more...share more...continue to be awake...not clam up when times are tough...but it's not always easy and I get tired sometimes.
And so, with all the intensity, I do realize the very important truth of taking time for myself to recover, to recuperate from everything. This week, I'm taking refuge in naps and nourishing food, long solo walks and connecting to my inner child because she needs attention badly right now. She really, truly does. I'm certain that even just a week from now, I'll feel wildly different as is always the case---hopefully more rejuvenated---but, for now, in full transparency, I'm tired.
Thank you for reading my journey. I aim to be as authentic as possible here and everywhere.