As a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), I feel things deeply. I'm affected by the feelings of others as well as a empath and on top of all of it, I'm on the border of the introvert/extrovert spectrum, making my path quite an interesting one to walk. I want to be the type of writer/blogger who lets her audience into even the more tender moments of existence because, I think it is what unites us. Happiness is contingent upon so many factor and is also a fleeting thing sometimes, and that's ok because you and I are human.
This week has been tough. With the quickly changing weather and transitioning into a new season, plus other external factors that I won't dive into here because I'm still sorting through and processing on my own--I've been existing in kind of a down space. When I'm down, it's harder to do simple tasks like go grocery shopping or even sit down to write or accomplish things. This is especially tough when I am my business and have this necessity to forge ahead and push through. I can recognize my own resilience in the process, but sometimes I wish I could just be excited and happy and energetic all the time because it would be more convenient.
But yes, I was down. I still feel the effects of it and know like all things, my state of being will change and on the other side of these heavy feelings are lighter ones. I always keep positive and maintain a level of knowing that no feeling, no matter how intense-- good or bad--lasts forever.
Today, I sat in meditation teacher training surrounded by people who I both love and admire and yet I did not want to be seen. I wanted to hide behind the bookshelf and cover my face with my hair and so I did. It felt similar to being a child and closing my eyes because I wanted to not be found and thinking that if I closed my eyelids, I would be imperceptible to the human eye. If only we could, at our convenience, put on an invisibility cloak when we want to go unseen momentarily. If we would rather experience our sadness or disappointment quietly.
I have very supportive friends and family whose advice has always been, feel how you feel---if you're sad, be sad...it's best to experience it than to push it away. I wonder why it is that I experience shame with sadness. I would never expect a client or friend to be happy all the time and it feels effortless to hold space for them through tough times...so I become curious why it is challenging to hold space for myself in a non-judgmental way when I just don't feel like engaging with the world in the same way for a brief time. It's ok! I think it's important to remind myself of this.
I'm grateful for this forum because it's a way to document my experience with all the ups and downs. Sometimes it doesn't exactly matter how plentiful and beautiful your external world is....there is still room for sadness and frustration and needing to take space and be alone. It does not make you or me any less human or seen or understood in the world. It is my intention to give myself the healing space necessary to gently ease through this lull. Creating warmth for myself when I feel cold...opportunities to express myself creatively through writing and art.
I give you full permission to cry if you need to. Ask for help. Be alone if it feels right. Say no even if you said yes first. Say yes even if you said no first. This is not a perfect life. We are not perfect beings. And in giving YOU permission to experience these things, I am also giving myself permission. Please, please know that you are not alone.
Thank you for reading,