I've written a lot about opposing energies. The expansion of summer and blooming of flowers and excitement/creativity and the feeling that everything is possible. It's also easier for me to write when I'm in that space...this more contracted existence is a little colder, less open and yet human existence still persists and I have a necessity to keep nurturing my business and so I will keep writing just as always and keep offering my gifts because it is truly what I was put on this planet to do.
This month has been challenging on many levels. First, a dear one moved to Seattle and I began to mourn the loss of an intense and beautiful connection. I knew it was coming, but we can never fully prepare ourselves for how it will feel when something actually does happen. I'm proud to report that after just a little bit of time, things feel a little better and I'm actually able to speak to this person without feeling floods of anger and the intensity of not really knowing what to do. The grey area of our existence trips me up at times. Time heals...which is one thing I know to be true with great certainty.
Also, winter---it's not my truest friend. Winter and I are like two estranged relatives with an unpleasant past. I become the most closed off and contracted during this time. I also experience bouts of sadness bordering depression and spend a tremendous amount of time in my beloved bathtub. My body craves the heat so much...and even living in Texas where it doesn't get that terribly cold can leave me depleted.
Just last night, I got home from a very long day of body work and dancing to find that my water supply was cut off. I was craving the bathtub so much that the instant the water didn't flow, I got emotional. Floods of tears streamed my face and I could feel myself getting into fight/flight mode. To make matters more interesting, my landlord is currently out of the country and out of reach so I commiserated with the woman renting the front house (I rent the garage apartment in the back) and she and I decided together that it would be best to call a plumber to come that night and so I did, swallowing (for now) the cost of the late night visit on a Sunday night, which is somehow more expensive. I didn't know if this was the right thing, but I went for it.
There actually turned out to be a corroded pipe in the back of the house that had rusted through, which may or may not have actually been weather related. The plumber replaced the rusty fixture, letting me keep it--and also taught me how to turn off the water supply without needing any tools to do so. He was so very kind. He asked if I was an artist, which I took as a high compliment. Before he arrived, I felt small and kind of scared...wishing that there was a handy man around more frequently to at least tell me everything would be ok. Oh the qualms of being a (for now) single woman.
Anyway, all was repaired. No big deal really and I got to spend time in the bathtub after the long day. I'm realizing how much being an adult, operating a business, taking care of bills, responsibilities and just existing takes effort. It's not always this challenging, but cold weather makes my bones ache and it's more difficult for me personally. So, I'll be purchasing an electric blanket this year for sure.
I know that there is also good in the contraction because it is a time to reflect, to write, to be creative, and be with myself--and that is beautiful too...but getting used to this shift has not been easy. I practice gratitude, I practice hot yoga, I give myself what I need like a mother to myself. I treat myself more sweetly and with respect and honor my process.
And this too, like all things, shall pass.