Internal Vs External Realities

I've considered this before now.  Several times actually.  Some of the time, it was a subconscious realization and other times, it was brought to the surface by other people reflecting it back to me, but the idea of internal and external realities matching up is important for living in full truth.

To be more concrete about the concept, I'll offer an example.  A couple years ago I was dating this guy who I really liked.  A few days after we first me, he let me know that he got a job offer in Seattle and would be moving there in two weeks.  I remember saying to him when I received the news, that bummer...I really enjoyed him...but would energetically be letting go so as not to further entangle myself there.

My heart was protecting itself, as it does...but what happened outwardly was entirely different. He and I ended up hanging out nearly everyday before he left, which I have no regrets about...but certainly I got more attached and closer to him and then even after he moved and was on the road, we continued to talk and discussed potentially visiting each other.  My internal reality was guiding me to close the chapter, but externally it looked like a connection was still happening....which can provide a lot of murky confusion.

I have a very strong gut reaction to most things, as an empath.  I can sense when things are not in alignment and sometimes, it's easy to move on...sometimes, however, it's easy to get caught up in the excitement of interactions with people and my gut goes ignored.  I'm getting a bit better about noticing when things are off kilter...but sometimes it requires an external source to point out what I'm up to.

I was blessed to receive an intimacy coaching session with Satori Laurel at Soma Vida last week.  Not knowing what to expect, I allowed myself to surrender to the process.  I had in mind something I knew I wanted to gain clarity about, and so I brought it up right away as we sat across from each other in my office.  I explained my current dating life and that I seemed to be drawing men who were not fully available for relationships.  To be honest, I felt unready for anything committed when I encountered these individuals....and so in all fairness, my internal/external reality was right on point at first...but as I grew closer and more open...I began seeking something more/deeper and it wasn't available.

Why sell yourself short?  She wondered out loud.  If you want a deeper, more connected relationship with yourself and with a partner....why not blast yourself open to experience the full spectrum of possibilities?  You are worth it, you are worth it, you are worth it...

Earlier in the week, I attended a Tea and Talk at Soma Vida with Intimacy Coach Collette Davenport.  She explained that how we are in our dearest and closest relationships, is how we'll be with and interact with our business.  It makes sense.  If I have fear of getting close or opening myself up to vulnerability in my close relationships, my business will lack a certain amount of love and will, essentially, become empty...and so that part needs to be acknowledged and nurtured.

I did what I needed to and cleaned my slate of relationships not capable of expanding and now I'm getting more clear about myself and what I want from the people in my life, and subsequently, my business.

What I want is a thriving business full of love, honesty, connection, healthy boundaries with clients, and a world of possibilities.  I want to nurture it and me...because I AM WORTH IT, I AM WORTH IT, YOU ARE WORTH IT.  

I love how at every corner there is a lesson to be learned.  I love how this process is gritty and real and honest and open and I am so so open to everything that comes my way, learning how to honor my internal world to make honoring choices in my outer life.