My life's work. The thing that gets me into trouble time and time again when I am not checking in. When I am moving too quickly to even know where I end and others begin. This is an important topic in work and relationships. Again, the idea comes to mind about how we are in work mirrors how we are in our most intimate relationships and vice versa. I have lately been handed my fair share of experiences to help me see where and what my boundaries are.
I am highly skilled at what is called a containment boundary. I tend to be an internalizer and pick and choose my battles to the point of sometimes not speaking me truth at all which ends up hurting me and the relationships I care for. I am less skilled at what is called a protection boundary which is essentially when you put up your proverbial hand and say to the other person, 'listen, I'm not really feelings like talking right now. It would be best if we tabled this conversation until tomorrow.'
Boundaries are respectful and important to set with others so they know how we are feeling and that we are not these totally open vessels all the time. My therapist helped me hone in on this notion. She said that when I swallow my words and don't speak my truth, I am filling my backpack with more and more rocks, feelings weighted down until I have an emotional collapse and I wall up or practice avoidance techniques so I don't have to 'deal.' Ahhh truth. It can be hard to hear at times, but truly in my world it has been the key to healing.
I would like to get better at speaking my truth in the sense that I can say to people in the moment how I am feeling. If I need to cancel plans last minute, that's ok. If I need to take a solo trip for the weekend, that's great. No one is expecting me to be present and available at all times and so it's fine to take time and space without fearing the very dear based reality of abandonment. People will stick around. They will. I don't have to push them away forcefully. I can speak from a place of truth and self preservation.
the truth is, running my own business requires a different kind of energy than what I was doing before and often, I need more recharge time than even I give myself. I get tired at strange moments and find myself overwhelmed and even procrastinating on things that are pretty simple to complete.
I think what is going to help me in this very healthy endeavor of striking a balance between the all or nothing extremes is meditating daily, practicing slower forms of yoga like yin and restorative and giving myself time to check in. My therapist mentioned also that giving myself the time to be still and settle will help reveal truths to me that running around boundariless and chicken with my head cut off like---would never lead me to. Diving deeper and deeper into the well of self worth and self protection is what I am meant to do at this juncture.
i feel relieved to talk about this. I know I am not alone, but sometimes it feels like others have this whole boundary thing kind of figured out. The truth is, I am a space holder, but my container is not endless or limitless and I am learning how to say when enough is enough or that I don't have the ability to be present at the given moment. this is all in the name of self care.
there are a few books I'm considering buying on the topic. I want to learn, want to practice so that I don't end up taking my pent up aggression out on strangers or saying mean things to people I care about. Yes, as sweet and gentle as I seem...I have been known to say some pretty hurtful things from time to time because listen, I'm human.
i didn't blog last week for the first time in months because I was feeling overwhelmed with life stuff and hormones...but it may have been beneficial to get some words out there. This practice of cultivating self love is an endless one. I am learning and taking one wobbly step after the other. The universe is constantly providing me with opportunities to grow and expand and for that I am grateful.