I am coming to you a day late because, well, yesterday I ended up in INTENSE and fully welcomed conversation with a new friend and totally lost track of the time. And for me, as a sometimes too-time-aware-human, this sort of experience is fully welcome--because it reminds me of what it's like to live fully in the present moment and that is a beautiful thing.
To be honest (and why not, because that is what I aim to maintain in this forum) December was a tough month. In response to a some things that happened earlier on in the month, I spent the majority of my time keeping myself as busy as possible and lucky for me the Universe conspired to hand me tons and tons of new and return clients and for that I cannot possibly express the deep well of gratitude that has formed all around me. But, the busy-ness came with the price of not grocery shopping enough and letting my laundry pile up so high that I'm certain the folks at the laundromat were laughing at me with my loads and loads of clothes and sheets piled up in my arms as I clumsily carried them in.
Keeping busy is my coping strategy for difficult emotions. Keeping myself in a space of constant distraction feels comfortable enough for me to come back to it over and over again like an old friend. This can be excellent for the purpose of maintaining a steady private practice and honing in on business stuff/being productive but it can also lead to the all-to-familiar burn out that can happen if you're not careful. The exhaustion, the poor sleep, the foggy brain leading to strange decision making--the overall sensation of not being quite here. That happens and I am learning. And in my learning process, I have come to realize that as much as I know my patterns of coping, sometimes the habit of slipping back into them happens in such a flash that I barely realize it until I'm in the middle of it.
Toward the end of the month, I went with my friend Liz to Seguin...a small Texas town that is known for its pecans and according to the movie theater owner, Dan---you can count on the people of Seguin to not show up to things. This trip was meant to be a little get away--from the fast paced and packed life of two women working for themselves--but for the majority of it, I was wildly distracted still and could not wind down. I took my phone with me and was constantly checking it and not fully able to surrender to the present moment. I was refreshing my email too often and looking at Facebook---for no other reason than I maybe didn't want to feel. Being away from the busy and sometimes distracted life of work and clients and social engagements, I had more space to be with myself and that felt SCARY as hell. I would have to deal with the stuff that happened in December? No way! I wasn't ready. And it is unfortunate because that also took away from my time with Liz--and time to really integrate...it just didn't happen. But I learned some things from this experience for sure.
I feel like I'm on the other side of that now. I feel more calm and grounded and maybe now, I can give myself the space to feel and deal...instead of run and distract. I'm allowing myself time to take naps and go to bed early and have begun The Artist's Way again, which gives me an opportunity to build a container around my creative life. Writing everyday first thing in the morning is actually such a useful skill---to get out what feels like a lot of junk in my brain. I end up feeling more clear headed after accomplishing such a task---so simple---so useful. I recommend it to anyone. It feels like I'm befriending myself again after a lot of time of really spacing out.
I decided that this year I really want to be out in the world traveling. I bought a ticket to South Africa and I'm now planning a trip with my mom. I've got a lot of opportunities to work at yoga/meditation retreats in Texas and Colorado and will be exploring more. This excites me as I love to travel and part of my reasoning behind wanting to work for myself was to give myself the freedom to be able to create my own schedule and take off when I want to/work in a variety of different settings...expand myself--live more fully and have a BIG, beautiful life. I'm pleased that these things are coming together more and the Universe seems to be conspiring to allow this to be possible for me and once again, I am humbled and grateful by the choices and opportunities I am being presented with in this lifetime-it feels like beautiful Karmic seeds are ripening now.
So, my journey these next few months will involve less screen time. Less phone time---leaving my phone at home while I go for walks--communicating with loved ones that I have cultivated relationships with and really honoring my own boundary system. That's what my 30th year on this planet hopes to be. I cannot wait to see how my business unfolds in the coming year. What my travels will lead me to and what amazing possibilities will unravel as a result of less distraction and more presence.
I love this life with all its ups and downs and emotional landscapes. This is what it's like to learn to love yourself---I am convinced!
Until next week,