Pause

It seems appropriate to write about slowing down and dropping into stillness at this point in my journey.  I know I have written about it before, but this time it is coming from a different place, a more experienced place, a place of knowing a little deeper and of understanding myself more as a human being.

Knowing that I have a tendency to dive into things head first without considering all the possible implications and even how it will feel in my schedule, I can over do it and deplete myself so much that I am neither available for myself and certainly don't have the space for others.

Visiting my dad in the hospital was a wake up call for me.  I was shaken back into reality by the startling realization that my parents are getting older and things are changing.  Perfect health is not a forever thing for any of us and poor health is possible too.  I was really startled into a new level of self care...slapped in the face...wake up!  

I started my meditation teacher training classes a few weeks ago and have begun a daily meditation practice where I sit for 20 minutes each morning before checking email, social media or text messages.  This has been helping me in more ways that I ever considered. I have time and space around me to pause...to let thoughts come and go...to feel into my body and it's working for me!  I'm feeling things that I have pushed away for months and even years.  The discomfort of being human....feeling socially awkward, feeling emotional, insecure, feeling all these things.  Letting myself feel the reality of this temporary life.

Meditation in the early morning makes it difficult to drink the night before and so I've crowded out alcohol for the time being...and I am more clear and focused than before.  It also helps with running and yoga and just being a more available human.

I am learning to sit in the discomfort of the pause.  That sometimes a strong emotion does not need to elicit a strong action.  That sometimes I just need to feel the thing and act at a time when I am not so triggered or heated or confused or sad or angry or scared etc etc.

And so it is in the pause, the discomfort with the grey area, and the not knowing that I am residing for the time being.  I have goals I need to work on for my business and personal life that need a lot of attention....and so I'll go there.  In and in and in.

All At Once

Sometimes life has a way of teaching you every conceivable lesson at once and it feels so overwhelming that all you (I) want to do is eat pizza in bed until the wave of discomfort passes. That was this past week in my life.  Now I'm sitting at Thunderbird writing this entry and finally for the first time in days, feeling a little relief from it all.  Writing helps.  It really does.  I am grateful for this forum.

A lot is happening!  My dad is in the hospital (he is okay and I am seeing him tomorrow, but it is a scary reality nonetheless--parents getting older and facing the reality of that), I got confronted this week by a woman who has held onto resentment toward me for four years for something I have no recollection of, I broke things off with a man that I liked but that I knew there was no potential with and I witnessed people treating each other in other unfortunate ways.  I felt every human emotion possible.  I'll divide the happenings into categories, which is also how Marissa and my series is framed to begin to think in these ways.  It will help me organize my thoughts...my life...my ideas...and give them a place to live that is outside of my head.

Food/Health

For a long time, I was strictly paleo, meaning that I rarely if ever consumed grains, dairy, wheat, or even peanut butter.  I've softened since, recognizing the pure enjoyment of pizza and ice cream sandwiches, but what I do know what is true for me as an individual is that my body often functions better digestive wise and general circulation wise when I am staying away from inflammation producing foods and beverages.  Since starting my business, I've been stressed with trying to 'do it all!'  I've been stubborn at times about receiving help and asking for it and have therefore felt a little out of control and have had moments of going into fear.  I notice when I am in this space, I often feel as if my base line basic needs are not being met even if they are.  I feel out of control and off kilter and so I will reach for tacos and more comforting foods that sometimes leave my digestive system confused and working a little to hard.  Now, there is nothing inherently wrong with a taco or a slice of pizza, but I know that when I am in better touch with my body and what it wants...and practice mindfulness around eating, I can enjoy and savor what I choose to put into it instead of just grabbing and going on the fly.  I'd like to become more mindful of this without beating myself up in those moments of mindless eating.  It's all a practice, just like everything.  This seems like a time for re-evaluation of food choices and really being with the food instead of rushing through the experience of it. 

Body Image

As much as I wish I could say that I've worked through all my body image issues, that would be a complete lie.  I haven't.  Over the past few years, I have gotten a lot better at listening to my body and what it wants in order to cultivate a more loving relationship with it, but recent events triggered what feels like a reversion to old ways of thinking.  I was in a situation in which I saw a photo of a woman who in my opinion, was the standard ideal of beauty and it sent me into a tailspin of comparison and self-judgment.  This woman had very large, fake breasts...and my breasts have been something I have been insecure or unsure about forever...so it just hit this trigger for me.  Recognizing where that comes from is probably the important place to begin healing....but it made me realize that I still have a lot of nurturing to do of myself for myself.  There is always room to grow and heal from old trauma wounds.  Of not feeling good enough, pretty enough, tall enough, thin enough...etc etc.  So I'm recognizing this now...and instead of going back to old patterns of behavior which used to look like food restriction and overly rigid exercise regimens, I am simply noticing and giving myself more of what will soothe and nurture me.  My yoga practice and new fun running program as well as dance and laughter are major medicines for me moving forward.

Work

Sometimes when external circumstances are intense, I go inside a shell.  I procrastinate, I hide, I push away...and I do notice this at times with work.  Now that I have my own business, how I'm feeling can be a direct reflection of my work and vice versa.  With things being pretty intense right now energetically and circumstantially, I find myself not wanting to sit still long enough to plan, to write, to advertise and reach out to the right people for help.  I become a spinning top and I forget how to be begin. My life coach asked me to think about where my business is going next and honestly it is going to take a lot of sitting and thinking and being still long enough to create an action plan.  It is inside me but I can get so swept up in the whirlwind of everything, that I begin to feel ungrounded and forget what is up and what is down.  Meditation is helping with this.  Having started a 10 month meditation teacher training with the assignment to sit everyday and a community holding me accountable, I have a lot of opportunities to settle into stillness and just be with myself.  This, in my opinion, is the best way to get information about what's next.  It curbs impulsivity and increases the freedom for creativity.   

Financial

This is a sensitive spot for me that I am continually working with.  My relationship with money is one that is currently a bit shame laden, because I was financially blind for a long time as many people are.  Taking a look at finances sometimes makes my stomach turn and insides cringe but I am starting to see it as an energetic exchange.  Where attention goes, energy/money follow.  In my first month of business, I was so deeply committed to my practice, my plan, my goals....and I saw incredible results.  Not to say that beautiful gifts haven't been happening since (they have!) but I seem to have gotten a bit sidetracked and my attention went elsewhere due to fear and distraction, and then I got a little out of touch with my money and felt kind of out of control.  The thing is, we should neither grasp money nor waste it....but I think that everything I'm putting my money to currently is for good reason, minus the occasional frivolous purchases...but I suppose I should take the judgement out of that as well.  So I am learning.  My life coach made me stare at a 100 dollar bill the other day.  I cried and cried.  For so many of us, money can inspire so much fear.  It prevents people from getting out of situations and taking risks.  It prevents us from making changes and sometimes keeps us so paralyzed that we don't act at all.  As a business owner, I'm learning about money for sure...which, perhaps was something I wasn't quite ready for prior to now...but it is certain something I can't avoid any longer.  It's interesting growing up in a family where money was never questioned and it was always available...and now, feeling the fear of not having enough of it...and I often wonder about the cultural collective of being Jewish and there being an undeniable history of oppression and an actual fear of scarcity.  I suppose that could be a part of it...but I am now learning to believe that I am good with money.  I am responsible with money.  And I don't need to fear.  Everything is working out. 

Relationships

My friendships are so important to me, as they form what I feel to be my 'chosen family.'  The women in Austin who surround me are kind, talented, independent and very much in a state of figuring things out.  We communicate clearly as often as possible and when there is an issue, we strive to talk about it without letting it fester.  I feel healthy in my friendships and they flow.  I've gotten pretty good at weeding out the relationships that don't serve me and I continue to learn about my boundaries and limits.  What is not so clear to me at the moment is the arena of dating and men...so I'm putting that on hold for now, as I focus on me and work and cultivating health in that realm.  When I am unclear about what I want, which happens when I'm so wrapped up in the whirlwind of life, I attract equally ambivalent or confused people who are often unavailable for a deepening bond.  Now, it's time to get clear within myself so I can have a chance at, when the time is right, a relationship that can actually go somewhere instead of the pseudo relationships I had been attracting.  No judgement about other forms of relationships, because I know different set ups work for different people, but I think I am quickly learning that in order to stay on my course, I need to be clear and true with myself that I am not emotionally equipped to handle open-relationships or sexual relationships without emotional intimacy.  It confuses my system.

Spirituality

God?  Yeah. He's there.  I've lately been feeling disconnected to source even though I am always well aware of the presence of a higher power who is always looking out for me.  When I do not trust, I easily go into fear.  When I go into fear, I lose out on the opportunity to really know where I'm being guided.  I get confused and lose my footing.  I have every piece of evidence to believe that I am taken care of.  That my business is meant to be.  That I am meant to be on this path.  Meditation brings me much closer to this.  Being still long enough to hear that still small voice within me that so effortlessly connects me to myself and true knowing.

It feels so good to write this all out.  It's like a million pangs of doubt and fear have left my body and now I have more space to cultivate goodness....to forgive myself, to forgive others...my defense mechanisms lessen and I feel more open.  That's part of why the journey of this business has been so profound for me.  I am being forced to open doors and learn lessons that I otherwise may have been shielded from noticing.  Here's to more life.  A life of being awake and true to myself.  

Boundaries

My life's work. The thing that gets me into trouble time and time again when I am not checking in. When I am moving too quickly to even know where I end and others begin. This is an important topic in work and relationships. Again, the idea comes to mind about how we are in work mirrors how we are in our most intimate relationships and vice versa. I have lately been handed my fair share of experiences to help me see where and what my boundaries are.  

I am highly skilled at what is called a containment boundary. I tend to be an internalizer and pick and choose my battles to the point of sometimes not speaking me truth at all which ends up hurting me and the relationships I care for. I am less skilled at what is called a protection boundary which is essentially when you put up your proverbial hand and say to the other person, 'listen, I'm not really feelings like talking right now. It would be best if we tabled this conversation until tomorrow.' 

Boundaries are respectful and important to set with others so they know how we are feeling and that we are not these totally open vessels all the time. My therapist helped me hone in on this notion. She said that when I swallow my words and don't speak my truth, I am filling my backpack with more and more rocks, feelings weighted down until I have an emotional collapse and I wall up or practice avoidance techniques so I don't have to 'deal.' Ahhh truth. It can be hard to hear at times, but truly in my world it has been the key to healing.  

I would like to get better at speaking my truth in the sense that I can say to people in the moment how I am feeling. If I need to cancel plans last minute, that's ok. If I need to take a solo trip for the weekend, that's great. No one is expecting me to be present and available at all times and so it's fine to take time and space without fearing the very dear based reality of abandonment. People will stick around. They will. I don't have to push them away forcefully. I can speak from a place of truth and self preservation. 

the truth is, running my own business requires a different kind of energy than what I was doing before and often, I need more recharge time than even I give myself. I get tired at strange moments and find myself overwhelmed and even procrastinating on things that are pretty simple to complete. 

I think what is going to help me in this very healthy endeavor of striking a balance between the all or nothing extremes is meditating daily, practicing slower forms of yoga like yin and restorative and giving myself time to check in. My therapist mentioned also that giving myself the time to be still and settle will help reveal truths to me that running around boundariless and chicken with my head cut off like---would never lead me to. Diving deeper and deeper into the well of self worth and self protection is what I am meant to do at this juncture. 

i feel relieved to talk about this. I know I am not alone, but sometimes it feels like others have this whole boundary thing kind of figured out. The truth is, I am a space holder, but my container is not endless or limitless and I am learning how to say when enough is enough or that I don't have the ability to be present at the given moment.  this is all in the name of self care.

there are a few books I'm considering buying on the topic. I want to learn, want to practice so that I don't end up taking my pent up aggression out on strangers or saying mean things to people I care about. Yes, as sweet and gentle as I seem...I have been known to say some pretty hurtful things from time to time because listen, I'm human. 

i didn't blog last week for the first time in months because I was feeling overwhelmed with life stuff and hormones...but it may have been beneficial to get some words out there. This practice of cultivating self love is an endless one. I am learning and taking one wobbly step after the other. The universe is constantly providing me with opportunities to grow and expand and for that I am grateful. 

I am Me, who else would I be?

So, here I am.  3.5 months into business.

What I've noticed is this:

I am a whole lot more spacious than I was before, I have met way more people than I did when I was feeling less inspired.  I have traveled and felt more free.  I feel alive, open, vibrant. Trusting---of myself and of the world.  I have become a better and more loving companion to myself.

My ideas of what I want for my life are shifting.  I feel so in line with who I am in this moment...things feel so right.  The flow of life is carrying me forward and I'm letting it.  I don't feel like I'm banging my head against the wall anymore.

More opportunities have opened themselves up for me...a new yoga program at Soma Vida, the invitation to be a part of the Sukha Yoga Community, a meditation teacher training...and the clients keep rolling in.  I feel blessed everyday beyond my wildest imagination.  I enjoy my own company.

I am finding love in a variety of places.  I never feel lacking...or that love has to come in just one form.  I'm not feeling the need to push things that aren't naturally evolving.  I am me, who else would I be?

I have seen over and over again the evidence of things working for me.  I am going with the flow now.  I am at ease in this moment.  I am being true to me and it feels so good.

Patience

I thought I was a patient person.  I am a good listener and I am receptive.  I don't get annoyed when things take a while.  I will wait in line and entertain myself without getting frustrated, even if what I was waiting for ultimately wasn't really worth it in the end.  I am now learning that patience takes on many forms.  Starting a business requires a different sort of patience than line waiting does, even though in principle they are sort of the same thing.  

Hawaii was such a transformative trip for me in many ways.  The cool thing about the island is that in order to exist there, even for a short period of time, patience is required.  The culture is slower paced and there is less of the all too familiar race to the prize that we experience here on the mainland.

I'm starting to shed the part of me that motivates myself by being a drill sergeant.  It's important for me to learn how to cultivate a more patient attitude toward my work and toward myself or I end up feeling like I am berating myself for things that are for the most part out of my control.  I'm ready to let go of anything that sounds like, "Brooke, you could have worked more or harder today.  Brooke, why did you let yourself sleep so long?  Brooke, look at these other people who work 60 hours a week...shouldn't you?"  The answer is...nope, stop, sorry, but no.  I'm not going to do it anymore.  It doesn't work for me.  I would rather be kind.  I would rather be patient.  I would rather respect the process.

I met these two Californians when I was in Hawaii who are such open hearts and true adventurers.  They're 20 years old.  They remind me of my younger self.  My truly curious, truly open, truly inspired self.  They helped me connect to my true spirit and I'm grateful to them for that.  When I told them about what I was doing in Austin they looked awe inspired...and then told me to 'respect the process...' I love that.  Respect the process.  What respecting the process looks like for me is a deep trust and a deep love for myself and my offerings.  The reminder that I just started this venture 3 months ago and it's constantly going to change and evolve as I do.  Nothing happens overnight.  

Another thing I have been made aware of by my life coach, Roland is how I wake up in the morning.  He asked what my morning routine consisted of and I was like, "what morning routine?"  I get out of bed with a start and force myself to begin the day.  Wake up....do the dishes....wake up!  email clients!  Demands....it's sort of a rude awakening to the day to be honest.  My thoughts and plans overwhelm me and it makes me want to pull the covers over my head.  Roland has suggested I wake up more gently.  Brooke, wake up...make yourself a nutritious breakfast, drink coffee...go for a walk.  Be patient, meditate and then don't look at your phone first thing.  Let yourself ease into the day.

So, for the past 5 days or actually since I have been back, I have been practicing just this...the easing into the day....the patience required to just be still with myself for the first waking hour. In Hawaii I woke up with the sun.  I never knew what time it what and I didn't care.  Time is a construct that just slipped away from me.  I'm learning to bring that mentality back into my life here and respect the process.  I get more done that way, I am kinder, I have more fun, I put less pressure on myself and the people I am in any sort of relationship with.

This is also helping me out in my relationships with people.  I am learning to let go of expectations and trust the process more.  I am a very open hearted individual and when I am excited about people I get really excited about them!  They light me up from the inside.  Instead of becoming overly invested in any one single person, I'm letting the process of knowing and meeting people flow with more natural ease.  This requires me to drop my ego a bit.  Old Brooke was very concerned with being chosen.  Pick me! Pick me!  It's what I thought gave me validation and worth.  But guess what?  I pick myself now....so it makes it a lot easier to know people without pretension or even too much effort.  Now, I'm shedding more layers and practicing vulnerability in a different way.  I am getting better acquainted with my heart and what it wants.  This helps with business too.  The way we are in our most intimate relationships is how we are in business.

There is always another opportunity around the corner even if I can't see it right now.  A new business opportunity, a new friendship, a new love relationship, a new creative outlet.  It's about patience and trust for me now.

I'll be taking a meditation teacher training for 10 months starting in September in an effort to cultivate even more patience, self-love and be more comfortable in stillness...even when things don't feel exciting...even in sadness.  I am so excited for this part of the journey.

Until next week,

Brooke

Returning

I'm in the LA airport again, drinking a hot chocolate sitting by the gate, waiting to board a midnight flight back to Texas.  Dallas, specifically, then Houston then a drive back to Austin early Wednesday morning.  This trip I took to Cali and Hawaii was incredible and I can already tell the effects of it will be long lasting and there is so much to unpack emotionally from it.  

First Cali

This was the first vacation outside of Texas I took with my family in nearly 5 years. My mom, sister, nephew, dad and I went to LA and Orange County together and it was a lot of fun. I got to learn more about my 6 month old nephew including what makes him laugh and smile and also what face he makes me when he's fussy or tired or wants to eat. He's such a cute little guy and it was fun spending time with him.

With each year of growth in my own life I am redefining my role within my immediate family. As an adult, I feel like more of an ally or even a friend to my parents who did a really great job raising me...and I feel a deeper sense of respect for them than ever before. Watching my nephew and the work it takes to be a mom gives me even greater appreciation for the care and effort my parents took to raise my sisters and me.  It's truly a labor of love, so it seems. 

I learned that I love downtown LA in all its weirdness. That city has major character and it was an adventure roaming the streets and finding yoga spots.  Orange County was fun despite a broken down rental car and scrambling to put together a new plan...but an adventure none the less. I bonded with my parents on a deeper level and I think that as a family we are growing and growing, which is nice to observe. 

Hawaii was incredible. I was on Kauai, an insanely gorgeous island with amazing views, beaches and forests. I was visiting my dear friend Lauren there who had just moved from Austin 5 months prior. When I dropped her off at the airport on her moving day, I told her I would visit ASAP and so there I went.

the airport in Lihue is mostly outdoors and there is no AC on the island, which I actually prefer. I hate the cold sterile nature of central air and have grown accustomed to fans and window units anyway. 

It was great to see Lauren. She cut her hair short and sports a new tan and this really neat island lifestyle that I grew really fond of during my short stay. 

we traveled all over the island, mostly walking, hanging out on a few beaches, meeting some new friends and talking and talking. Some of the tangible lessons I took away from the island is that patience does everyone wonders, how to successfully haggle down the price of a used vehicle via Lauren, when you are in the right place at the right time, magic happens and slower pace of life is ok by me.

while there, I shed a few sore spots that I recently endured interpersonally and decided to devote myself to a meditation teacher training beginning in September with my beloved teacher and friend, Kelly.  

I am excited to see what is in store for me in these coming months. To strike a balance between work and play and taking myself too seriously and having fun! This all really is one giant learning experience isn't it? 

i feel mostly refreshed though still in need of sleep and proper nutrition. I'm boarding the plane now to Dallas. More will be revealed. 

Airport Post

I'm currently laying on the ground in the Phoenix airport with the perfect set up. My head rests on my backpack, my computer is plugged into a pillar right by the gate and I'm doing some simple yoga stretches before boarding my 6.5 hours flight to Lihue. 

I have found a curious amount of joy playing Pokemon Go. It reminds me of childhood and of exploring and being curious. It's a great idea. As a nearly 30 year old woman, I'm not sure the game is made for my demographic but I don't mind. I enjoy it! 

I just spent some time in California with my family and was able to clear away some of my own cobwebs and learned some new things about myself. For example: 

-I keep cool in a crisis. Our rental car broke down and we had to quickly think of a strategy to safety get my nephew back to the hotel. I'm proud of my ability to problem solve and offer calm help in situations like this one. Expect the unexpected

2- I value anonymity. I loved being in LA walking for hours in the expanse of the city, not knowing a single soul. I value my own company  

3-I think I want to commit to do a meditation teacher training starting in September. My mom is great at offering the important advice of doing the things that bring joy and happiness because life is short and I agree with her

4-I am a good aunt and I effortlessly love my nephew. I'm proud to say I changed my first diaper on an airplane. I'll make a good mom someday I reckon. 

5-walking is crucial for me. I love th feeling of my feet on the ground. My stamina for taking long hikes gets better and better everyday and for that I am grateful. 

I'm about to board my flight to Hawaii, but wanted to post my weekly Monday post before getting on the plane. More to com next week! 

Communicating Truth

Clear and conscious communication seem to be one of our greatest struggles as humans.  We claim to value honesty and being truthful to the best of our abilities, but sometimes and even oftentimes we fall short in our messages.  I try to be honest and say what I mean, but sometimes...I struggle to get the right words out.  Even as I write this...I'm finding it a bit challenging to speak about what it is that I want this blog post to communicate.  But here goes nothing.

I don't talk often about my dating life in a public space, but felt that this issue would be important to bring forward as it is something that in modern times is becoming more convenient to do to people and I find it wildly baffling and strange.  It is also in line with aspects of my business as holistic healing aims to balance all aspects of life---including love and dating relationships.

With the advent of online dating, texting and convenient access to people via swipe apps--which in my opinion, is like people window shopping, it seems sadly more possible to miscommunicate, under communicate, misrepresent, and misjudge people.  I have been guilty of not speaking my truth clearly enough in situations while dating, but try to for sure.  If I'm not interested in someone, I will try to tell them...but sometimes my people pleasing tendencies keep me from 'hurting someone else's feelings.'  

Just this past week, I experienced a phenomenon in dating known as 'ghosting.'  Yes, it is a real thing!  I don't for the life of me understand it.  It makes no sense to my brain how someone could just cease all communication without an explanation.  I was hanging out with this one person for a brief time, but substantial enough that it felt like a fade out wouldn't happen without a talk.  We were pretty conscious communicators with one another and I was enjoying getting to know him. One day, he just completely fell off the radar and I took it pretty hard.  

I know that what was going on for me is that my deep seated triggers of abandonment and rejection were switched on and the difficulty wasn't so much about this other person, but about the disappearance without warning thing.  My ego also had a lot to say and it was difficult to not take it personally.

I wondered why people do this.  I read articles about it in an attempt to understand because that is what I do when I can't make sense of things on my own. Fear, other circumstances, dating lots of other people at the same time, not wanting to confront something uncomfortable...these are all reasons I read about---as to why someone would 'ghost' someone else but I still don't get it and maybe I don't have to.  

I'm learning to confront some of my deepest fears...the fear of being left, abandoned and the fear of the unknown.  I think it's tough at first to go through something so strange and confusing...but to know that it's possible helps me be better prepared for future instances resembling this.  I have experienced this before...but not to this extent...not to the extent that not a single conversation was had.  

The more baffling things are in this world, the more I am realizing that I am not in control of so much in this life.  I crave black and white sometimes...but living in the gray area is much more realistic and we don't get swallowed by expectations so quickly.

So I guess I'm grateful for these experiences...to show me sides of myself that are usually pretty hidden...and to reveal to me the high importance of communicating clearly.  When I'm in Hawaii, my friend Lauren and I have agreed to practice radical honesty and conscious communication with each other.  Awareness is perhaps the first step in this baffling human experience.

Stillness is The Move

This is the title of a Dirty Projectors song that is about exactly what I'm trying to capture in this blog post. In the song, which is a funky electronic soulful jam, the female vocalist sings about the concept that when we are born into the world, we do not have identities or habits or opinions about anything and then as we grow up we forge these things for ourselves and maybe sometimes, we spend too much energy focused on the wrong things.  We lose ourselves in our longings and wanting for higher mountains and bigger things.  It prevents us from being present.  And so, in the end...the inquiry "isn't life under the sun just a crazy, crazy, crazy dream?..."why am I here and not over, over, over there?"  It's a very Buddhist song if you ask me.  Maybe that's why it's been in my consciousness all these years.  Why the title stuck out to me as important in some way. Stillness is the Move.

So, real talk.  About me...my habits and longings...and my, ultimate difficulties with stillness and why I have committed myself to 21 days of meditation through the Deepak Chopra and Oprah program.  I am a human, obviously and my desires run deep and full.  I experience life with a very open heart and am always curious, always experimenting and sometimes moving so much and often that I get so tired and find myself in the midst of a nap without meaning to.  

I started my business 2.5 months ago and my heart is here.  In it.  I think of little else besides how to nurture it and that includes involving myself in conversations with others and activities to bring me closer to my center.  I dance, I walk endlessly and practice yoga mostly with the very dynamic and incredibly in tuned and authentic Erinn Lewis and then I realize I haven't stopped. I haven't stopped to drink water or rest enough or connect to myself because I'm afraid to pause.  The fear is in the pause.  If I pause then----I won't build my momentum again.  If I pause, I'll feel feelings!  If I pause I will be lonely.  If I pause, I will see truth about myself I am not willing to face.  If I pause, I will be bored.  All of those things keep me going and going and going.

But what if not the present moment?  I consider this.  What is life if not right now?  Nothing else exists but we glaze over the present because we can't let go of the past and can't stop the ridiculous game of future predicting.  So, I've been called to meditate.  Roland, my life coach instructed me to begin the 21 day challenge with Deepak and Oprah and at first, I couldn't figure out the app and decided to just 'do my own thing," which is very Brooke of me.  But then, yesterday my soul partner Marissa came over and we dedicated ourselves to the challenge together.  As chances would have it, the challenge wasn't actually available until a couple days after I downloaded it, but now it is and I am in it...dedicated to stillness.  Stillness is the move.  

When I am still, I ground myself. I am more truthful about what's going on with me and not just get swept up in the whirlwind of it all.  I can see things more clearly, I can decide with more swiftness and agility.  I am home beyond the physical.  I am home within myself...and so the fear actually gets replaced with this sense of serenity, of relief...and I can be still more and more...get the rest I truly need and stop running from my center.

A dream I had a while back revealed this very message to me.  I was in my little car that I love so much in a circle of cars in a grassy field.  The cars began to slow and stock pile in front of me and I thought it was the best idea to get out, abandon my car and run to the nearest town.  The town, however, was dilapidated and terrible.  It honestly would have been a better option to stay in the center of the cars in the field than to go to this deserted waste land.  A spiritual teacher of mine interpreted this dream and told me, "Brooke, if you are in your center...you will not need to run."  I agree with him.  Yes, center...meditation, stillness...no more running.

I'll be updating my blog along the journey, still weekly but perhaps as inspiration strikes, I'll insert helpful tools and tricks here and there.  For now, here's the link to the dirty projectors song mentioned earlier.  They nailed it.  Stillness is the move.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMPF6lpM0XM

Settling Into the Unknown

Here I am, sitting on a couch that is not mine in a hotel in downtown Austin. My family is visiting from Houston and it is my parents' 34th wedding anniversary. It has been nice having them here and finally, I feel the comfortable sense of settling...the uneasiness I experienced a few days ago feels sort of distant now and I am able to let go a little bit more. 

In this week's blog post I wanted to touch on something I've been experiencing as a woman working for herself...and that is...the unknown...and also, the inevitable lulls that happen in business during holiday seasons and summer and just life. Nothing is constantly bursting...there are slower moments and times when business just isn't as booming...that seems to be this past week for me. 

May and June were slammed!!  I attracted many new clients into my world and happily worked with them all. I was on cloud 9!!! It's working! It's really working!! And everything felt meant to be and alive and full....

It's only July 4th today but things are a bit thinner this month with people traveling (including myself to Hawaii) and I'm experiencing more time to just exhale...I'm grappling with trust even more--more than ever...how can I trust that these moments of downswing are going to be followed by another upswing? Well, for one thing it's the nature of the business...and for another thing, welcome to the wonderful world of entrepreneurship! The top of a roller coaster...thrilling, alive but not always predictable...I am brave. I am taking a leap. And learning to trust. 

What is great about settling into this time is that I get to spend time with my 6 month old nephew, introducing him to a swimming pool for the first time. I get to take day trips to the country and swim in beautiful springs...I get to soak up copious amounts of vitamin d on long city walks and enjoy giant carafes of French press coffee...if I don't allow myself to surrender, I'll miss out on these things. 

A woman who I deeply admire and someone who started her own yoga studio checked in with me the other day asking about business...ah, yes..the summer lull! For us too, she said...and expressed the importance of just enjoying these moments of our life without freaking out!  

Ah yes, the summer lull...and this is how it is now...in full awareness and acceptance and appreciation for the opportunity to take care of myself, to rest and to deeply trust that everything is unfolding as it should.  

Hell, I have these fantasties of applying to 9-5 jobs where everything is guaranteed...but guess what? Not even then are things 100% certain. They never ever are. 

And so just for today, I will enjoy time with my family and not worry about tomorrow. I will watch the fireworks and spend time with my nephew. I will soak up the sun and be grateful for my beautiful life unfolding exactly as it should be. 

Trust. It has always been ok and will continue to be.

Maintenance

I've been thinking lately about what's underneath the surface in terms of maintaining health. It's one thing to have a seemingly healthy exterior. Maybe your car has been recently washed or you've just gotten your nails freshly painted...but maybe underneath the shiny exterior is a broken  heart needing attention or a car battery that is in desperate need of replacing. 

It is tempting to go about our lives letting the under things get overlooked. Sometimes it's that we just don't want to go there...to the ugly, rusty, broken, shame laden places. I'm realizing that it's much better, more efficient and wise in the long term to take care of these issues as they arise. 

A few examples from this week alone: my car is now 3 years old. I bought it new and had not replaced the battery yet. After work the other night, it wouldn't start. I got a jump and drove home but when I went to go start it again, nothing...it needed a new battery of course and it was time for such a thing...but understanding regularly scheduled maintance of things under the hood of my vehicle is not something I am entirely privy to but could be. No judgment there...just an observation. Everything was fine...I got my new battery and now my car runs just as before...but it did get me thinking about machinery.

This is the same or at least a similar story with my computer. With barely any space on the hard drive, I'm needing to free it up...with the help of my friend Rickey...it's been out of wack for a while but I've finally surrendered and I'm letting an expert deal with it. Outsourcing is something I've been practicing lately. If there is a task that I'm not skilled at or feel baffled by or could use my time more wisely than stumble through it, I'll ask for help. And now I'm typing this blog post on my phone since my computer is being dealt with.

I see our human bodies in much of the same manner. Our exteriors may present a certain image but what's lurking under the surface may need more attention. When I got sick twice with strep throat this year, I knew that I needed to pay more attention to the signals my body was sending me...knowing when to slow down, though certainly not easy...can be an important form of maintenance.

What I'm learning through all of this is to make sure and continually address underlying issues of machinery including the machine that is our living and breathing body! 

Internal Vs External Realities

I've considered this before now.  Several times actually.  Some of the time, it was a subconscious realization and other times, it was brought to the surface by other people reflecting it back to me, but the idea of internal and external realities matching up is important for living in full truth.

To be more concrete about the concept, I'll offer an example.  A couple years ago I was dating this guy who I really liked.  A few days after we first me, he let me know that he got a job offer in Seattle and would be moving there in two weeks.  I remember saying to him when I received the news, that bummer...I really enjoyed him...but would energetically be letting go so as not to further entangle myself there.

My heart was protecting itself, as it does...but what happened outwardly was entirely different. He and I ended up hanging out nearly everyday before he left, which I have no regrets about...but certainly I got more attached and closer to him and then even after he moved and was on the road, we continued to talk and discussed potentially visiting each other.  My internal reality was guiding me to close the chapter, but externally it looked like a connection was still happening....which can provide a lot of murky confusion.

I have a very strong gut reaction to most things, as an empath.  I can sense when things are not in alignment and sometimes, it's easy to move on...sometimes, however, it's easy to get caught up in the excitement of interactions with people and my gut goes ignored.  I'm getting a bit better about noticing when things are off kilter...but sometimes it requires an external source to point out what I'm up to.

I was blessed to receive an intimacy coaching session with Satori Laurel at Soma Vida last week.  Not knowing what to expect, I allowed myself to surrender to the process.  I had in mind something I knew I wanted to gain clarity about, and so I brought it up right away as we sat across from each other in my office.  I explained my current dating life and that I seemed to be drawing men who were not fully available for relationships.  To be honest, I felt unready for anything committed when I encountered these individuals....and so in all fairness, my internal/external reality was right on point at first...but as I grew closer and more open...I began seeking something more/deeper and it wasn't available.

Why sell yourself short?  She wondered out loud.  If you want a deeper, more connected relationship with yourself and with a partner....why not blast yourself open to experience the full spectrum of possibilities?  You are worth it, you are worth it, you are worth it...

Earlier in the week, I attended a Tea and Talk at Soma Vida with Intimacy Coach Collette Davenport.  She explained that how we are in our dearest and closest relationships, is how we'll be with and interact with our business.  It makes sense.  If I have fear of getting close or opening myself up to vulnerability in my close relationships, my business will lack a certain amount of love and intimacy...it will, essentially, become empty...and so that part needs to be acknowledged and nurtured.

I did what I needed to and cleaned my slate of relationships not capable of expanding and now I'm getting more clear about myself and what I want from the people in my life, and subsequently, my business.

What I want is a thriving business full of love, honesty, connection, healthy boundaries with clients, and a world of possibilities.  I want to nurture it and me...because I AM WORTH IT, I AM WORTH IT, YOU ARE WORTH IT.  

I love how at every corner there is a lesson to be learned.  I love how this process is gritty and real and honest and open and I am so so open to everything that comes my way, learning how to honor my internal world to make honoring choices in my outer life.

Come As You Are

Marissa Knox and I just finished our first workshop together and I feel extremely grateful and honored to be sharing the work of self-acceptance with others.  It is truly a learning experience for me as a healer and human being to humble myself to the unfolding process of healing old wounds and judgments.  We have plans in the works to create more opportunities around this topic in the form of workshops, a six week series and maybe a retreat one day!  I have a lot of ideas and the energy to cultivate them!  It's exciting to be immersed in something I feel passionately about.

Today, I have been thinking a lot about judgments; the ones we hold for ourselves and the ones we have for others.  It may seem mundane and silly, but the current judgement I've been holding over myself is that I am messy.  My car is messy and my sink, is more often then not, full of dishes waiting to be done.  I have a lot going on in my life right now and everything feels intense--in a good way--but still intense.  My car is a reflection of how busy I have been lately and nothing more than that.  It's not worth it for me to slap a value judgement on it or to allow my thoughts to travel down that all too familiar rabbit hole of self denigration.

At the suggestion of my life coach, Roland, I started an experiment called the 7 day mental diet based on the small booklet by Emmet Fox written in the mid 30s.  It's a way to train your mind to stop thinking negatively.  The gist of the experiment is essentially this; each time you have a negative thought, you must redirect it immediately and replace it with something hopeful or positive.  This should be done for 7 days.  If you allow your mind to go down a negative thought spiral, you must begin the experiment over again from day one.  Sounds pretty challenging, right?  Well...it is.  I'll be honest.

The most interesting thing I've noticed about this experiment so far (I'm on day 5 now) is that the negative thought spiral or pattern is akin to an addiction.  My mind WANTS to go there...it craves the feeling of negativity and I certainly do not think of myself as a typically negative thinker...but I do notice that my mind reaches for it like a nicotine addict reaches for a cigarette.  That part fascinates me.  The addiction to self-denigration, self-doubt---all leading to violence in some form.  I personally believe that when we allow ourselves to indulge these thoughts, it's a way to keep ourselves small.  How can I possible do X, Y or Z?  Trust me...I am all to familiar with the pattern....slowly but surely though, the brain starts to rewire itself and events that used to trigger thoughts like 'I'm stupid...I'm disorganized...I'm not skilled enough etc.' are soon replaced with thoughts of encouragement---like you would receive from a friend that loves you.

This has been a truly fascinating point in my journey.  I have lots of exciting ideas for upcoming workshops, series, writings, projects, offerings---you name it but today I am taking time just to be...to rest...to let all that I have been working on settle into my body and mind.  The phrase 'come as you are' which I'm pretty sure is a Nirvana song, keeps swirling around inside my head...so the invitation is there.  Come as you are---as messy, as stressed, as tired, as happy, as excited, as confused, as bewildered, as anxious, as worried, as blissful as YOU are.  

Universal Timeline

For this week's blog post, I have decided to write about the timeline of things from my perspective thus far on my business and personal journey.  When I decide to DO something, I dive way in.  I'm the same way with my body work.  One of the owners of Myo Massage in Austin told me that I'm a diver...meaning that I don't hesitate when handling muscles...I go right in.  They say that how you do one thing is how you do everything.  I'm a diver all around...with love, business, and friendships.  I don't really know how to just dip my toes into something...though when I'm at Barton Springs, that's how I get into the pool...one toe at a time.  That water is extraordinarily cold.

As a diver, I made a lot of things happen pretty quickly with this newborn business.  I secured office space, planned a workshop, marketed myself like the dickens and cut back at the spa job that I had decided to make my way out of.  I'm proud of myself for my efforts.  They have been clear and heart guided.  Everything has felt intuitively led and I am going with it.  

Now, in my second month...and with one extra day at my office, I was planning to work at Travaasa one full shift a week and then phase out slowly but the intention was to eventually leave.  Be careful what you wish for!  My manager called the other day and let me know that he would only really need me for half of a shift and asked if I would be ok with that.  The anxious, protective and cautious part of me felt fearful because that shift was my guaranteed source of income and the rest would be up to me!  The wise, fierce and trusting part of me was like...Brooke, it's ok!  You don't want to work there much right now.  You have your business to focus on.  I told him it would be fine...and so the transition out of the spa world is happening more quickly than I thought it would.

I talked with a few friends about the shift and they were, of course, super supportive of my direction and thought it was a beautiful message that my focus belongs with Open Circle Healing.  I momentarily considered, as the small childlike part of me still struggled with some fear, going to my manager and fighting him for my shift back but something held me back.  A still small voice reminds me that I will be ok!  I am making this work.  My friend, Stephanie, came up with this brilliant analogy...she said that going to my manager and asking for the shift was like wanting my sister's toy but then when it was in my possession, I really didn't want it.

This is a reminder that things do not always happen on our timeline.  I've heard the expression, 'make plans and God laughs at you' before and it's pretty true and accurate.  I like to feel on top of things...but truthfully all of this could not exist tomorrow or something completely out of my control could pop up and that's where humanity starts to get really interesting.  For a moment, we may get a glimpse at our true nature...the part of ourselves that is ego-less, divine even...but in the next moment, we may be caught up in our to do lists and worries.

What is important to realize is that there is SO much that is not in our dominion.  We can only make the next best decisions for OURSELVES.  And so it is...with so much gratitude that I am learning these lessons.  

I'm also learning to take feedback better!  A GIANT leap/feat for me as a loves-to-be-righter...but sometimes I am not right...and sometimes the viewpoints and opinions of others, when invited...can be beneficial.  Without other people mirroring ourselves back to us, what growth would there be?

As Roland, my life coach said...This is the moment when you begin riding the wave of your life at a whole new level.  Cheers to that!

Shedding Judgement

A few years ago, I contacted a therapist trained in spiritual psychology with the intention of learning to love myself more and decrease anxiety levels.  I was, at the moment, riddled with anxiety, very much in my head and overly analytical about nearly every interaction that took place.  What was worse, is that I would often  berate myself for what I perceived to be shame laden 'errors' and felt like there had to be something wrong with me because I had been 'stuck' in some patterned behaviors that were not serving me anymore.

I showed up to my first appointment with the hope of finding some relief from my otherwise slave driver mentality and ultimately what I wanted was to find out who I truly was and how I fit into this world.  She was effusively loving, entirely non-judgmental and had a come as you are approach.  Even on the days where I showed up to her office, not having slept the night before with tired eyes and lots of 'ridiculous' stories to share, she held the space and even expressed joy or laughter when I shared what I considered to be deep dark shadowy secrets that I was unwilling to tell anyone else.  She cradled my process and through that, I was able to view myself as a wide eyed child, experiencing the world the best I knew how with the information I had available to me at the time.

I softened.  I started to allow myself to move through things and the drill Sargent living on my shoulder started to quiet down.  At first, the behaviors were all still there and I was still living within a pattern, but my perception of everything was shifting.  With this shift, I started to notice changes happening sort of on their own.  When I established a more loving eye toward myself, I no longer wanted to reach toward the behaviors.  It was almost like I crowded out the stuff that wasn't of service to me anymore by falling in love with myself.

When I work with my life coach, he is amazing at noticing the little subtle moments where judgement is still surviving.  The other day, we sat across from each other and he watched me judge myself over some things that came up recently and he urged me to become more expansive and to grow into the idea that I am becoming the woman I have always wanted to be, but felt afraid to embrace in the past.  The truth is, I am a free spirit, independent, forward thinking, progressive woman and societal constraints and rules are often not attractive to me.

I taught yoga to students in recovery yesterday at UT and I stayed for their short meeting.  The topic, not coincidentally happened to be self-acceptance.  I got to hear everyone in the group share about instances of self-judgement about their homes, interactions, addiction etc. and how it was overwhelmingly not helpful for their healing.  I could not agree more.  There is no room for judgement in my life.  Not from me to myself nor from others.  I have had to teach people how to treat me over the last few years, refusing to allow judgment to enter my heart.  This means I have had to also learn when and with whom it is appropriate to share tender things with.  That does not mean I have learned to be secretive, just discerning.  

My friend, Marissa and I are going to teach what we want to deeply learn on June 12 in a 2.5 hour workshop dedicated to the art of self-acceptance and self-compassion.  I am thrilled about delving deeper into this work.  I know that it is just the beginning and I know that throughout the process of teaching, there will be more and more layers uncovered and truths revealed.  

Workshop Details:

Sunday June 12, 2:30-4 PM at Soma Vida located at 2324 E Cesar Chavez St.  Cost is $40 a person.   Space is limited.  Participants can prepay in the 'workshops' page on this website or pay at the event.

I truly hope to see you there as we shed the layers and layers of judgement that were once attractive but are now obsolete.

Ride the Wave

Ever since I was young, I would see things happening around me that were difficult or even tragic and I developed a defense mechanism that I can only describe as 'putting my combat boots on.'  Don't get me wrong, I am a highly sensitive and emotional person who is expressive and wants to talk it out, but I also have a tendency to get back on the saddle right away...without allowing myself the time to process what has happened.

This weekend, I took one of my dear friends with me to Houston for my sister's law school graduation.  I won't go into any detail here but things with family are a little fragile at the moment.  I watched myself go into jokester mode, which I have a tendency to do...or even...I'm going to stand up in front of everyone and read a last minute poem at the dinner table...wanting to take charge.  I'm not judging my behavior here, but just recognizing it as something curious, interesting...how I deal with stuff.

I'm feeling proud of myself for creating a life in Austin that feels extremely in alignment and flourishing and blooming...the beauty of it all..and to see others suffering, especially so close to me...is hard.  I find that one of the surest ways to experience emotional release when there is turmoil near me is to get on the mat.  To be with my body in movement and breath...to be in alignment with my heart...and so it happened...this morning, in a 6:30 AM heated Vinyasa class that I never would usually go to.  A friend invited me along.  I felt the wave, the emotional energy bubbling up inside my body and then tears.  

They say that our issues are in our tissues...as in, the tissues of our bodies.  I could not agree more.  Oftentimes my intellect or wide array of defense mechanisms; humor, denial, becoming overly busy, being in constant movement etc...keep me away from feeling what I ought to feel...from discharging emotional energy.  My yoga practice is the surest way to get there...if not for the sensations of stretch and movement of energy...for the unlocking of the stuff I push down...

I find that in times when getting on my yoga mat feels like the last thing I want to do, it is in fact the most important and crucial moment to get going.  Something about the heat was also very purifying and detoxifying...and not usually how I practice at all, though reminiscent of my college years in Boston when the Baptiste inspired yoga studio was the only place to escape the frigid winter.  I connected to getting rung out and I think it's precious and valuable.

Consequently, when I devote myself to my practice, I can be even more present to the people I love and my clients because not only have I created space for emotional letting go, but also have harnessed a lot of positive energy.

So, needless to say, I am devoted to my practice for a lifetime...and have seen proof over and over again of it serving me...and serving me...and serving me.

Join me?

Receptivity

Openness Part 1:

A couple days after I decided to start my business, I received an email from Steven, the owner of East Side Yoga.  He said something about an answering machine message for me left at the studio by a woman inquiring about Yin Yoga.  I figured it was probably a student wanting to know more information about the practice and so I called back expecting to answer some questions.

The woman calling happened to be an intuitive life coach named Martha Cordell who found me on the East Side Yoga website while looking for a yoga teacher to be a part of her January 2017 retreat in Dripping Springs.  Martha happens to live in Colorado.  She said she could sense, based on my photo and bio that I would be a great fit for it.  Listening to her, I could feel chills run up and down my spine.  What serrendepity!  What fate!  My answer was yes, before she even asked.  Yes, yes, yes!  And so a partnership began.  We've met through Skype and almost met up in San Antonio but a rainstorm kept us from an in person introduction.  We are now connected.

This brings me to this blog post title....how receptivity is a major component of making waves as a heart centered entrepreneur.   I was open and willing to let someone like Martha into my life and then she appeared.  She offered to do a free intuitive reading for me so that I could get a sense of the type of work that she does and of course I was delighted by the very generous and incredibly useful gift.

We talked for an hour.  She told me that my biggest challenge and greatest obstacle is to allow myself to go into deep trust.  She said that I need to go into optimism and count my blessings. That gratitude is crucial and that I am very blessed and fortunate.  I agreed whole heartedly with her.   She said that I am meant to be a healer and that I will get myself into trouble if I overanalyze or overthink things too much...but at the same time, I can't let myself completely disappear into the stratosphere of extremism in any one direction.

And so I am receptive.  I am trusting.  I am not letting my brain do all of the deciding.  I am listening more to my heart and what it wants, because I am learning that I can trust it to deeply know...And I am so tremendously grateful to have the life that I have and all the people in it. Martha is someone I can see as a partner of sorts...someone I will likely maintain a relationship with on some level for a while...being a part of her retreats and learning her offerings as they truly resonate with me.

Part 2

I've mentioned my success partner, Roland Kemokai in my blog posts before...and it's no surprise because this man is helping to facilitate my growth in such a tremendous way.  I know that I'm the one who is doing the work here, but Roland is right there alongside me to remind me about what is important on this journey and it helps that he gives me gentle nudges here and there when it seems that I'm out of balance in some way.

This week, I sat across the table from him as I usually do when we meet and we checked in about progress in certain areas.  I told him about attracting clients, a workshop I am planning and what I have been up to socially because my personal life and nurturing it is just as important as my business life.  There has to be a balance.

He began asking me about my own relationship to touch and how I experience it.  I became a little uncomfortable by the question, not having considered how I feel as the receiver of touch in a while.  I do love touch and find it incredibly important in human interactions and in a healing sense...but I also recognize that I am much more comfortable in the role of the giver.  I have always been more comfortable in this role. 

To receive.  To be open. To be receptive.  To ask for help.  To rest my head on someone's shoulder.  To know that I am deserving of healthy and healing touch just like my clients, just like everyone.  

And Roland told me he has an assignment for me to complete.  He told me that I must put on my schedule a massage for myself...yes, to receive and also an energy session.  I've personally never received Reiki but deeply understand the importance of it, having known and interacted with many Reiki practioners in my life.

It was strangely uncomfortable for me to schedule these things for myself but I knew it had to be done.  That I cannot be a good healer or space holder, without first making it a priority to be a RECEIVER myself.

And so alas, two sessions scheduled...quickly, easily, without effort.  And now I'm going to allow myself to bask in the energy of another space holder...to be open, to nurture myself and as a result give so much more to my business, to my clients and to the people in my life who I care about.  

I am receptive, I am open, I am grateful, I am blessed, I am a work in progress, I am learning, I am full!  This journey is so beautiful and I love sharing it with you.

Clients as Teachers

This past week I was extremely blessed to get to work with some really amazing clients who have already left an imprint on my heart.  I wanted to share a few lessons I have personally learned through my lens as a healing arts practitioner.  I'm noticing that when I really open myself up to receive messages, they flow through me with ease.

As many of my students, friends and family know, I have had an ongoing battle with anxiety. Learning ways to cope with it as I've gotten older has certainly made it easier to live with, but I get little reminders here and there that it still exists inside my body.  Yoga, self care and nurturing my inner child are some tools I can reach to when I feel the physical symptoms start to creep up.  Sometimes, however, the nagging voice of my anxiety urges me to act too quickly, wanting things to be tied up neatly with a bow.

I'll share a small example of this and how one of my dear clients mirrored to me how patience and taking time to pause before making decisions can really be to my benefit.  

I knew my car insurance payment was due in June and I had calculated in my head how much it would be and was totally prepared commit to the 6 month premium.  My client happens to be an insurance agent and had told me that if I wanted him to, he would happily check to see if I could get a better deal with another company.  I told him yes, but part of me was reluctant to switch for some reason...having been a State Farm customer for a long and having not such a great driving record from when I was younger.  Part of me didn't want him to see my driving record because I was ashamed...and so I mailed State Farm a check without first allowing my client to do some research for me.

I told him what I had done and he was surprised.  He said, "Brooke, your payment isn't due for another month, why the rush?"  I told him that I like to have things taken care of at once.  That I didn't want him to see my driving record and that it gives me anxiety to not secure every little thing.  I have to express gratitude to this part of myself that is on top of things, but I also realize that there is undoubtedly a need to balance this out and to slow down.

He asked me to just come to his office and he could do some research and see if I could get a better deal and he did!  I found me a better option with a good company and options to get further discounts over time.  So I learned from this that sometimes when I think I'm being 'on top of it...'  I'm actually potentially being 'over the top.'  And also, who cares if my driving record is less than perfect?  I'm ready to let go of any shame over my distractability.

Meditation is helpful for this.  When I take time to pause and breathe, I give myself much more space to consider all my options.  I might have anxiety brewing under the surface, and yes sometimes it is stronger than other times, but I am learning that there are powerful tools and different ways of being.  I don't have to be in such a rush to tie things up all the time and I can trust myself to not let anything fall through the cracks because I am a fierce, responsible woman.

Another lesson came from a client the other day who does energy work and is quite a bit older than myself.  He was in the Air Force when he was younger and had sustained a lot of very painful injuries that required surgery.  He has a screw in his neck and was even electrocuted on the job a decade ago leaving him with a lot of nerve damage. 

I asked him if he had any one piece of advice to give to a younger person, what would it be and he said, "take care of your body while you're young."  He informed me that he was regretful about the way he mistreated his body over the years and feels, now much older than he actually is.  We think we are invincible in youth, and trust me...I used to believe this for myself up until just recently in fact, but now with my business, so clearly revolving around self care, I am much more sensitive and attuned to how I treat my body and I want to do so with respect.  Thank you Open Circle Healing.

I'm learning to open myself up to all the valuable lessons in this life and feel blessed and grateful to have little mirrors all around me urging me to slow down, to not be in a rush and to take care of my body.

Bedside Manner is Essential

As a trained Social Worker, I was taught a lot about how to appropriately treat clients while working with them.  There is a mix of respect and boundaries that need to be balanced in order to be effective.  I remember working with children and families in Dove Springs, the largest Hispanic community in Austin, mostly immigrant and Spanish speaking.  Although, my Spanish was not always the best and I've since lost my ability to speak it very well at all, I noticed that sometimes all the women wanted was someone to listen to them with open arms and a nonjudgmental stance.  I could understand most of what they would say, coming into my office in tears, and was sometimes able to offer insight, but mostly it was just being able to talk openly that made them feel better.

I strive to always treat my clients with respect and allow them to feel non-judgement.  Likely, they experience their own self-judgement over issues related to their body, their health, their nutrition, you name it...so why add a layer of scrutiny to that?  My own experience as a patient in the medical community this year has unfortunately been less than savory.  I'll share two instances not as complaints, but rather as moments of how poor bedside manner can make any patient/client feel dis-empowered and even a little dumb.  

The first experience was just a few months ago.  I was trying the IUD, a form of birth control that gets inserted into your uterus and can stay in for 3-5 or even 10 years.  Some are hormonal and others are not.  Being a highly sensitive and body centered individual,  I should have known that the hormonal option wouldn't be a good fit for me but I opted to try it because the other one intensifies menstruation.  A month after having it, I noticed higher levels of irritability, nausea, deeper levels of sadness and a prickly feeling surrounding my entire body that could only be explained by hormones. 

I made an appointment to get it removed and my original gynecologist, who I loved, was not available so I opted to be with another woman because I didn't want to keep it in any longer.  She asked me what my symptoms were and I listed them off.  She looked at me kind of concerned and told me that usually because the dosage of hormone is so low it shouldn't be having such a profound effect on me and that only her 'most sensitive' clients noticed.  She then urged me to keep it in for 3 more months to give it time to adjust.  And then she said, "well, then what do you expect to use for birth control?"  The woman was clearly coming from a place of judgement and wasn't really willing to hear me the first time I said that I really wanted it out.  It would have worked for me so much better had she just said, "that's ok!  I understand.  Though it's rare to be affected this profoundly, it does happen and I believe you.  Let's take it out."  But that's not at all how it went.

The second example happened yesterday.  My throat was getting a lot worse and I knew it was strep.  I had strep symptoms very similar to this a few months ago and it appears to have come back again with a vengeance.  I went to a minute clinic at CVS and the doctor there did a strep test on me and it came back negative but that's pretty common with rapid strep tests.  She also tested me for mono which came back negative as well.  She told me that if I was sick, I should consider taking a leave of absence from work for a while and consider getting a job as a cashier.  Now, no offense to cashiers, but I doubt it's helpful to hear a doctor say that you should just drop all you big plans because of an infection that can likely be treated with antibiotics.  She then used a lot of fear tactics on me and then told me about how difficult it is to find a job in Austin and none of this mattered.  She wasn't even able to prescribe antibiotics to me because they, at the clinic, could not just write a script based on appearances.

I went to the Urgent Care and was met by a much lovelier nurse and a less alarmist doctor, which put me at ease.  Maybe I wouldn't need to become a cashier after all.  He gave me a prescription for Penicillin, which is very powerful stuff and I took the first pill last night.  My throat, though still inflamed does not feel like it's full of knives.  It is a much more favorable experience for me as a patient to be received in a non-judgmental manner, where fear tactics are not used and where I don't feel hopeless.

It is my hope, as a practitioner in the healing arts, to offer only the most open, the most loving human to human connection.  Shame, doubt, and blame have no space in my office.  I was speaking to this exact issue with my Aunt who is dealing with medical community herself at the moment and she said, the perfect combination of healthcare provider is both knowledgeable and a nice person.   Let's aim for that.

Why Dance is Part of my Business Plan

The other day, I was speaking to my success partner, Roland, on the phone about how I find it difficult to make certain decisions before knowing exactly what the outcome will be.  Rational me recognizes that it is impossible to truly know everything and that sometimes we just have to take a step forward with the possibility of walking into a thorn bush.  

I have the human tendency to be overly cautious at times before committing to big life decisions.  I go over the million and one possibilities in my head, playing through them all many times before biting the bullet.  On this particular day, I was trying to decide how to communicate my changing schedule to several of my current employers.  I conveyed this to Roland during our conversation and he offered me a beautiful, yet simply analogy.

He said, "Brooke, when you go out to dinner, you look at the menu and decide what you want based on the descriptions or photos of the food and then what do you do?"  Not quite sure what he was getting at, I said..."wait?"  "That's right!  You close the menu, and begin engaging in conversation with the person you are with and trust that your food will come to you as you expect it to."  He told me essentially that life works in a similar way.  We place our order to the universe by taking the appropriate action steps and then we engage in a conversation with our lives.  He urged me not to forget to celebrate the in between moments.  Instead of wondering about all the what ifs and whether what I ordered was a good idea or if it would come out well, I can be fully present to my life and what is happening right now.

This brings me this post's titles...Why dance is part of my business plan.  I'm not trained in dance, nor did I ever really enjoy dance classes as a child, but what I'm finding as an adult is that the experience of engaging in dance is one of the surest ways for me to stay rooted in the present moment.  I allow my body to be carried away in the rhythm of the music and I can experience true flow.  Business plans are detailed and involve a lot of bullet pointed lists and self imposed deadlines but in my plan, I am making it my priority to involve dance.

This past year, I started taking Bachata classes at Esquina Tango in East Austin.  Bachata is a Latin style partner dance that originated in the Dominican Republic.  It is like salsa, only more sensual.  I'm not particularly skilled at it and still clumsily step on my partners' feet but it is truly joyful for me.  When I close my eyes and let the music move me, there is nothing else that exists.  There are no worries about schedules and stresses about things working out because I am soul level invested.  I've also been frequenting The White Horse, a Honky Tonk bar also in East Austin for two stepping and even bravely tried a pole dancing class this past week.  

So when Roland reminded me to close the menu and trust that my food would arrive as I ordered it, I liken this to being engaged in activities like dance, writing and art.  When I allow time for these things, I am less fixated on the what ifs.  I have taken the action step and now it is up to the divine to provide the perfect outcome.  Join me sometime?  It's wildly invigorating.